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Last week was an extended period of agonizing ambivalence for me – so many long desired dreams came to fruition, but in the worst ways possible. Of course Nintendo remains a brilliant company with a knack for creation that makes the gods of all the world’s religions look like unimaginative preschoolers with a half empty box of crayons, but nothing they revealed met any of the awesome ideas that make up my bi-weekly emails to them outlining exactly how to make the next game in every major Nintendo series.
First of all there is Zelda: Skyward Sword, with its MotionPlus controls and wide variety of new and cleverly designed items. What hozer thought up of a lasso and radio-controlled-flying-beetle-thingy? Link only needs the Master Sword, bombs, a boomerang, the bow and arrow, the hookshot, and bottles! Everything else just muddles up the system. I knew they were on a slippery slope when they turned the hookshot into a clawshot and made it double, and I warned Nintendo, but they didn’t listen.
I always thought Retro could do amazing things with Donkey Kong, but I was thinking along the lines of Donkey Kong Prime; a first person adventure where Donkey Kong would scan barrels, hunt down bananas that provide extra health, lose all his monkey powers in the first fifteen minutes, and have to battle King K. Rool’s brain in a robotic jar. Instead we just get a rehashed version of a typical old platformer started by those British imperialists at Rare. What do you want to bet that Retro has already built a shrine to Prince Charles and plans on moving their offices to Trafalgar Square? Please, Horatio Nelson wasn’t even that good … Napoleon let him win!
And Kirby’s Epic Yarn, everybody knows Kirby is best represented by silk ribbons! Yarn is just ridiculous!
However, the biggest disappointment of all was Nintendo 3DS. The moment I heard Nintendo was taking another stab at 3D, I immediately thought back to the most underrated thing ever to exist, or have the potential of existing, in the universe – VIRTUAL BOY!!!!!!!!!! My eyes started to bleed just from thinking about the countless hours I would be spending in another red and black paradise! Instead, what we get is just another device with flashy graphics and expectation-shattering 3D effects. Granted, I wasn’t at E3 this year to witness 3DS for myself, but you all know I am awesome enough to always be correct on matters like this. I really need to do something about those restraining orders Reggie, Iwata, and Miyamoto have against me; and if Cammie Dunaway has her way I won’t be allowed to live near schools or parks… I swear I didn’t realize THAT was showing in those pictures tied to the brick I threw through her window.
Ultimately, I really can’t blame the big guys at Nintendo, it was probably some hozer in their mail room working as a spy for Sony who intercepted all those letters. But my plans for Donkey Kong Prime were tied to that brick… weird… maybe the police still have it in evidence.