This piece is a fanboy satire. The views and opinions expressed herein do not state or reflect those of Nintendojo or any of its affiliates.
Merry Advent hozers! It’s your old buddy Nester64x back with one last gift of my unparalleled gaming wisdom before Santa Claus (my uncle) comes to visit once again. And before I take my annual holiday from my role as Archduke of Awesomeness, I thought I’d share my ultimate tale of gaming brilliance relating to party games in a cheery, festive manner.
Enjoy my super hardcore Christmas poem titled, “A Visit From Uncle Nestolas”, hozers.
‘Twas the night before Christmas, with only Nester awake,
Eyeing the Nintendo 64, like some freshly baked cake.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
But I loaded Mario Party as if no time was to spare.
My completely lame parents had told me to sleep,
But from awesomesauce fun, gamers can’t keep!
The hozers were nestled, all snug in their beds,
While I partied with characters, all greens, pinks and reds.
Even though I played solo, I was completely hardcore,
An evening of parties with computers in store.
Who needed friends when I could play by myself?
The TV screen glinting off tinsel on the shelf.
But Mario, Luigi and Donkey put up fight,
And the Mario Party computer pounded me right.
But who wants companions when you’ve got skill?
I trudged through endless rounds to get to the thrill.
When out of nowhere Peach grabbed the last star,
Leaving my hardcorez awesomeness visibly scarred.
How could a mere game thrash me so bad?
When I ruled over gaming since merely a lad!
Then out of nowhere a sound on the lawn,
I ran to the window where the curtains were drawn.
A familiar figure approached our door with a shiver
As Uncle Nestolas came with presents to deliver!
I went back to my Party and acted all coy,
For Uncle Nestolas taught me gaming as only a boy.
“Yo, Ho, Ho, Hozers!” my uncle announced,
As Wario became miniature and I prepared to pounce.
I won every minigame as Nestolas stared,
Amazed by my brilliance as no opponent was spared.
“My fine nephew Nester,” he greeted me kindly,
“Where are your friends?” he was puzzled so blindly.
“Oh Uncle Nestolas, nowhere!” I exclaimed with such zeal,
As I showed him that lonely-ass multiplayer was real.
“You don’t need friends– the game will play along!”
As we partied all night with Yoshi and the Kongs.
“I must depart but I am thoroughly impressed,
Your gaming skills, Nester, are simply the best!”
I thanked my kind uncle and received lots of gifts,
Come Christmas morning I wouldn’t be miffed.
He fled out the door and into the dark
Leaving me partying, oh what a lark!
But I heard him exclaim as he jogged out of sight,
“Merry Christmas you hozers, and to hozers goodnight!”