This is a fanboy satire. Opinions expressed herein do not necessarily state Nintendojo’s or its affiliates’– well, except the “don’t kill animals” part.
I would like to think that I am a good guy. Sure, I might take more pennies than I leave in those little trays by cash registers and I did cyber-stalk Cammie Dunaway for a while, but other than that I am a model of benevolence. And all things considered, this is something of a miracle.
There are plenty of hozers who talk about how Grand Theft Auto will turn you into a bloodthirsty, criminal mastermind with zero respect for women or proper driving habits, but that is a minor threat compared to what Nintendo is teaching children. I love the Big N and all that it has to offer, but if parents aren’t willing to put it all into a proper context, then they risk allowing their kids to become horrible monsters.
Surprisingly enough, Mario is perhaps the single greatest threat to the unprepared mind. First of all, in every game, Mario consumes huge quantities of strange mushrooms, flowers, leaves, and stars (and as we’ve been lead to believe, rather a lot of drugs). Mushrooms can be delicious, but they can also warp your mind or make you horribly sick. Flowers sure smell pretty, but most of them don’t taste very good and none will grant you the power to throw fire. Leaves, some can be great for salads and burgers, but most taste really bad and have no special powers… though they do look cool in the fall. As for the stars, well, they are actually burning balls of hydrogen that will instantly vaporize you rather than grant temporary invincibility.
Poor Nester, so obsessed with his idol Mario that he began to see him everywhere.
I couldn’t even begin to tell you how much I wanted to be like Mario and do what he did, and it caused more than a few trips to the emergency room as well as an unhealthy love for mushrooms. The worst of it came when I learned what stars actually were, to think that they too were a lie shattered me. It took months for me to overcome the depression caused by me learning that immortality and really cool background music would take more than simply wielding a star.
And then there is the issue of cruelty toward animals. After a particularly long Mario binge, I was thoroughly convinced that all turtles were evil and needed to be eradicated from this earth. Luckily for all turtle kind, the first one I ran into was a rather nasty snapping turtle that gave me a thorough biting, thus making me far too afraid of turtles to risk ever going on the offensive again. And then there was the time I thought skinning a raccoon and wearing its hide would give me the power to fly, but after another similar encounter that ended with a series of rabies shots, and I once again gave up my dreams.
Of course Mario isn’t the only culprit. Zelda teaches that it’s socially acceptable to enter a stranger’s house, smash their pots and take their money. Donkey Kong Country asserted that bananas, like oil, are a resource worth going to war over. Fire Emblem suggests this crazy idea that death is permanent. And finally, Star Fox undoes all the good accomplished by Frogger and portrays frogs as worthless whiners that are not worth saving when attacked by other animals piloting star fighters.
Does any of this mean kids shouldn’t be playing Nintendo games? Heck no! Parents just need to stop being hozers and pay attention to what their kids are doing.
Have you suffered a similar story to Nester? Were you lead to believe that special badges would allow you to control wild animals? Have you ever tried to consume wild animals in an attempt to gain their special powers? If so, please share your stories in the comments below.