Nester64x: Good Riddance

The DS is awesome… actually it’s too awesome, and it needs to just move on!

By Nester64x. Posted 03/02/2011 12:00 Comment on this     ShareThis

Nester64x Issue 39

This piece is a fanboy satire. The views and opinions expressed herein do not state or reflect those of Nintendojo or any of its affiliates.

Nintendo DS has been a brilliant system with innovative features and a varied library of amazing games, and that is why I can’t wait for it to DIE!

Like all things Nintendo related, DS is great, but maybe a little too great. You see, when something is done so well, it has a tendency to attract a bunch of good for nothing hozers who have no right taking pleasure in the same things as me. The ridicule I endured from people for being an unabashed and infallible Nintendo zealot was a badge of honor, kind of like a Purple Heart, only better because I didn’t have to get shot or blown up.

Now it’s common to see people playing DS and buying up the games everywhere. I used to enjoy standing in Wal-Mart’s video game section, snickering as somebody picked up Halo or Grand Theft Auto, but now everyone’s buying Mario Kart DS and Professor Layton, and I can’t laugh at them because they aren’t wasting their money on vastly inferior games. How could all these gamers deny me the pleasure of laughing at their stupidity!

What selfish times we live in!

Sure, there are all those Petz and Imagine games I could ridicule, but they have created too serious of a problem to laugh at. My sister plays those games and even my mother occasionally partakes, and there is one major problem with that… they are girls! Not only are the majority of gamers now agreeing with me, but even girls, the last people on Earth who would or should ever lay hands on a video game are hopping on the Nintendo love train.

I used to have a private car on that train… a place where I could keep all that love to myself, while occasionally sticking my head out the window to laugh at the Microsoft and Sony shanty towns of lameness as we rolled on by. Now that train is packed with old people, little kids, and girls, and to top it all off I’m the one being groped!

Stay back Lilith spawn!

This can all be blamed on DS.

Thankfully 3DS could be my savior due to one thing… eye strain! I’m still rather alone in my love for Virtual Boy because nobody else is awesome enough to deal with the mild ocular discomfort. If 3DS can replicate that same beautiful, hozer-repelling feature, then maybe I can once again enjoy my gaming in a solitary place of boastful self righteousness and irrational hatred for everybody with opposing viewpoints.

A man can dream, can’t he?

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