Nester64x: Get Back in Another Castle!

This piece is a fanboy satire. The views and opinions expressed herein do not state or reflect those of Nintendojo or any of its affiliates.

When it comes to women, I’m definitely not a sexist. Ladies can be athletes, astronauts, lawyers, construction workers, sexy French maids, or whatever they desire as far as I am concerned. Video game women, on the other hand, are a completely different story. I have certain expectations for the chicks in my games and I am growing sick and tired of so many hozer developers putting them into roles best filled by sword wielding dude elves, male Italian plumbers, and ‘roid-empowered badasses with really big guns.

The first thing that comes to mind when I think about this problem is Nintendo’s history of making totally awesome dudes who turn out to be chicks. The most obvious example of this is Samus: he had sweet armor, an awesome gun that could lay waste to any bad guy or door way that got in his way, and to top it all off he was the galaxy’s best bounty hunter. Then it turned out he was also a hot chick who could kick just as much butt while running around in a bikini. I have nothing against her being in a bikini, in fact I encourage it, but the only type of combat women in such attire should partake in is mud wrestling.

Nintendo did the same thing to Zelda in Ocarina of Time. Up until that game she did what women in games were supposed to do: get kidnapped by the bad guy and wait around to be rescued by the hero. But no, in the series’ first 64 bit outing, what does Zelda do when big bad Ganondorf comes knocking? She escapes, take on the identity of the super cool Sheik, the sleek, ninja-like dude who guides Link on his quest and plays a mean harp. If it weren’t for the fact that she gets captured right before the end, Ocarina easily would have been the worst game in the series.

However, what really makes my blood boil is what Nintendo did to the original video game princess – Peach. The Mushroom Kingdom’s ruler has been pretty much been kidnapped more than every other video game princess combined, and that is the way it should have always been. Super Mario Bros. 2 featured her as a playable character, so that is a knock against it, but her heroic role is limited thanks to the other playable characters. Super Mario RPG also let the Princess play with the big boys, but she still spent much of the game kidnapped, so I guess we can let it pass. Mario 64 got it perfect though, not only was she kidnapped, but upon being rescued she made Mario a cake, the only other act permissible by video game women.

And then Nintendo released Super Princess Peach for DS. Sure, it was a fine platformer, but giving Peach the spotlight as the main character, the mere thought of it, hurts my brain! At least they based her powers off of the horribly violent and unpredictable mood swings that all women possess.

I don’t know what the source of this problem is and why it keeps getting worse, though my current theory is that it’s the work of a bunch of feminist hozers. All gamers need to come together and put an end to this scourge of equal opportunity mumbo jumbo so that we might build a better, stronger, more masculine gaming future.