This piece is a fanboy satire. The views and opinions expressed herein do not state or reflect those of Nintendojo or any of its affiliates.
All of this talk about power-ups has been just fine and dandy, but it seems like everybody around here has forgotten about the single GREATEST MOST EPIC FANTASMASTICALLY AWESOME POWER-UP EVER! However, this power-up isn’t something that your character gets to make him more kickass, it is an item YOU equip that makes YOU so much cooler than everybody else in the world. That’s right, the best power up is the Power Glove.
I remember first watching The Wizard, and the second Lucas pulled out the Power Glove I immediately turned off the movie because I knew nothing that came after it would be so awesome. After hopping online and reading all the negative crap a bunch of lame hozers had to say about the glove, I knew it had to be so awesome because only uber 1337 gamers like me could fully comprehend how to use it properly. I then grew my hair out to be all wavy and sexy like Lucas’ in the movie, and then I ceaselessly whined to my mom until she bought it for me on my 17th birthday a week later. Some dweeb was dumb enough to be selling his at a garage sale for ten bucks, what a loser!
What really makes the Power Glove so awesome-tastic is the fact that it clearly catered to all the mega hardcore gamers like me out there. I don’t know how the programming worked, but it seemed like games could sense you were using the glove and would make the game harder. All of a sudden your character would be less responsive and harder to control because without that handicap the Power Glove would just make everything else too easy!
My love of the Power Glove is so extreme that ever since getting my hand IN one (get it, its a joke… because it’s a glove) I’ve gone ahead and converted all my controllers into glove form. Not only that, I’ve also made all my handhelds into gloves too. I’m still waiting to hear back from Nintendo about how much they love concept for a 3DS glove – only a hozer would choose not to buy something so ridiculously epic! The crazy thing is, though, that all my games respond to my various glove controllers just like the old NES games did to the Power Glove, they all of a sudden become so much harder. All of the game developers out there must have caught wind of what I was doing and released super secret updates to keep their games challenging for me, but that’s okay, because I am HARDCORE!
To make your own glove controllers, all you need is a hack saw, some gloves, and a lot of electrical and/or duct tape.