This piece is a fanboy satire. The views and opinions expressed herein do not state or reflect those of Nintendojo or any of its affiliates.
Some people say patience is a virtue but everyone who says that is a hozer!
I am of course talking about 3DS and how I am sitting here, having to wait for my system to arrive in the mail. Sure, I could have gone out to a store and picked one up, but then I would have had to risk interacting with the common folk and probably even a few of my rabid fans. I can appreciate my unprecedented popularity, but I would rather not have to deal with all the little people groveling at my feet, bathing me with praise and scented oils. I don’t need such gestures to be reminded of my awesomeness and judging by my complete lack of fan mail, I can only assume that you are all far too intimidated to attempt contacting me.
So if we were to meet, I can only imagine how awkward and uncomfortable it would be for you.
Rather than risk such a scene, I have decided to sit tight and pass the time with the great grand daddy of t3D gaming– my precious Virtual Boy. After disengaging my advanced security system, opening the vacuum sealed display case, and booting up some Funky Bowling, I quickly started to feel bad for 3DS.
The new system’s processing power might be greater, its controls might be more user friendly, its developer support might be more expansive, and games might be better, but 3DS is lacking in at least one major category: redness.
Red is the coolest color, so it only makes sense that Nintendo’s reddest console is also its best. Everything that mattered was red, from the graphics to the system itself; it was one big red love fest. 3DS, on the other hand, is going the boring old route of trying to be some fancy shmancy rainbow with every color being given an equal shot. Heck, even the system itself isn’t available in red. The blue is far too shiny and black is okay, but it really needs to be paired with a liberal dose of red (like with the Virtual Boy) to be worthy of any substantial aesthetic praise.
Once you actually start getting into playing with the systems, another major flaw in 3DS becomes painfully obvious– the relative lack of pain. When I heard Nintendo’s warning about potential eye problems from sustained play, especially among younger children, I cried with joy; this was one of Virtual Boy’s features that made it super hardcore. But then doctors started talking about how it wasn’t a big deal and nobody I know who has tried 3DS has experienced such issues. This is so disappointing because bleeding eyes from too much Virtual Boy is like a rite of passage among serious Nintendo fans. I was hoping 3DS would bring back this mark of a serious gamer.
If you haven’t been rushed to the emergency room due to Virtual Boy related eye strain/explosions, then you aren’t a Nintendo fan… you’re just another hozer!
In the end, 3DS will be plenty cool because it is a Nintendo product and they are incapable of even the slightest error, but it will never match all those gloriously red and painful nights my Virtual Boy gave me.