This piece is a fanboy satire. The views and opinions expressed herein do not state or reflect those of Nintendojo or any of its affiliates.
Wii and DS have played host to a massive library of criminally overlooked games, including the likes of… oh, lets see, just about every game not made specifically for nOOby dorkwads. That’s right, the vast majority of games that are awesome enough to meet my stratospheric standards have been completely overlooked by all the hozers who unwittingly buried store shelves in an avalanche of poorly made, casual friendly filth. All of this could have been avoided if so many new gamers hadn’t committed the gravest sin of all, not listening to ME!!!
Uber-elite Nintendo will be able to list off dozens of great games overlooked by the uneducated masses, and while they make good points with their love for Chocobos and emo Japanese kids, I fear even they aren’t nearly hardcore enough to appreciate Wii’s biggest, bestest, most overlookedest game ever – Onechanbara: Bikini Zombie Slayers. Only a video game aficionado of my incomparable stature truly has the sophisticated know how to give this game its proper praise.
This is what genius looks like
Allow me to run through all the little factors that contribute to making a game brilliant. First up is the concept, because you can’t build anything great unless you have a solid foundation. Onechanbara is all about hot chicks in schoolgirl outfits and tight bikinis hacking their way through thousands of mindless zombies – in other words, it makes everything Shakespeare wrote sound like rantings of an unimaginative third greater. Next, the presentation, which consists of hot chicks in schoolgirl outfits and tight bikinis hacking their way through thousands of mindless zombies. While I admit it lacks the stylistic creativity of games like Okami or Paper Mario, it definitely beats them when it comes to gameplay… which is hot chicks in schoolgirl outfits and tight bikinis hacking their way through thousands of mindless zombies.
The smarter amongst you are no doubt bathing in the warm glow of this awe inspiring revelation and are grabbing your wallets in preparation of purchasing this masterpiece, but for those who still doubt my infallible wisdom I’ll go ahead and break it down some more for you. First and foremost, hot chicks are hot, and that hotness can be multiplied by their attire; schoolgirl uniforms and bikinis rank way up their with the likes of french maid outfits and furry costumes. Next is copious amounts of blood, which Onechanbara supplies with great vigor, and as a bonus it covers the heroines, giving them a nice bright red sheen which really accentuates their voluptuous assets. Finally, there are the zombies and I feel they need no explanation beyond a simple reminder that zombies are totally awesome and very much in vogue right now.
I’ve obviously made my point crystal clear and no logical human being has any reason not to buy this game right now, without hesitation. If you still doubt me then I have some bad news, you are part of the problem. What right do you have to complain about great games being overlooked when you can’t even see the brilliance in Onechanbara? Go grab your copies of Little King’s Story and Muramasa and trade them in for Carnival Games, you vile newbie hozer.
For all you rational minded readers, may your future zombie slaying be filled with busty, blood splattered babes!