Nester64x: Forget It, Already!

This piece is a fanboy satire. The views and opinions expressed herein do not state or reflect those of Nintendojo or any of its affiliates.

It’s not really up for debate or anything how all of the games we’re talking about his week deserve to be remade, revisited, or whatever.  I’m mean, c’mon, they’re some famously famous games of yore and whatnot.

I’m gonna spend this week telling you hozers about some games that seriously need to be put to rest.  There are a lot of games getting sequels out there just so there can be a lot of games getting sequels.

I think that makes sense.  Anyway, here’s what stuff I think needs to be locked away in the closet somewhere:

Zelda: Look, the yearly installments that we keep getting from this series are too much.  They already made the perfect Zelda game, and it came out back in 1987.  Period.  You can’t follow up perfection with something that’s very good.  It makes the follow-up look not as good in comparison.  Now, if they could make a game that’s exactly like the original 8-bit Zelda with today’s processing power, maybe still have it look 8-bit somehow, now I’d be up for that.  What?  WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN!?!?

Metal Gear: Every Metal Gear game is the same thing rehashed over again.  Seriously, Hideo Kojima has been remaking the same exact game since the 1980s.  The only differences are the setting, supporting cast, and for some reason, they made Snake old in the newest one.  I know Snake Eater is coming out on the 3DS, but at least they’re respecting our intelligence by not claiming that it’s a whole new game this time.

Final Fantasy: This series used to be about hitting stuff with swords or wearing a pointy hat and throwing fireballs.  Now, it’s somehow become about giant robots controlling mankind and weird angsty teenagers with super-powers running around fighting them automatically, meaning, without player input.  That’s what I watch Smallville for — why do I want it out of a game, too?  Also, when did “Fight” change to “Attack?”  I don’t want to play as a party of four Attackers!

Kid Icarus: What, seriously?  A game about a smart-ass kid with wings?  Yeah, who thought that was a good idea?  This game series rightly died out back in the early 1990s, and now those hozers think that it’s time to bring it back, just because two dozen Internet dorks thought it was sweet that he showed up in Smash Bros.  Hozers.

Sin and Punishment: Yeah, why was this a good idea?  Maybe because the only thing “punishing” about Sin and Punishment is actually playing it?  I mean, wasn’t there a reason this never came over here from Japan in the first place?  Did the folks at Treasure finally bribe upper Nintendo executives enough to make a follow-up?  Or maybe they have some dirt on something Satoru Iwata’s teenaged daughter did while at boarding school?  I can’t think of any other explanation that makes sense, can you?

Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney: Imagine watching all five thousand episodes of Law and Order back-to-back.  That’s about what this playing this game is like, only slightly less interesting.  How did we get up to five installments?  There are no spaceships, no jumping, no shooting, and no magic spells.  There are menus, but it’s not menu-based combat — combat being the only thing which redeems anything based upon menus.