I’m here to apologize.
Apologize for all of the awesomeness I’ve been shoving down your throats for the last few years, and how I’ve enlightened your little lives with my special insight and analysis. I know I didn’t really need to apologize for any of these things, but I figured it’d be a good way to start things off. Thinking about it, there are quite a few things I’d like for certain people to apologize for.
For one, I’d like for Ken Kutaragi to apologize for making the PLAYSTATION 3 so incredibly expensive, and then trying to position it as a personal computer and convince us we should all get second jobs to afford one.
I think I’d like every game company out there to apologize for trying to pretend that rumors don’t exist, and trying to bully the gaming press, yes, even the mainstream gaming media establishment, into quashing stories that leak out as part of the natural reporting process. Also for treating those of us who are the intended recipients of said news like complete idiots. “We do not comment on rumors or speculation,” when said in the face of actual fact, or even strong evidence, is both condescending and, to an extent, fairly obtuse. You may think your audience is stupid, but you’re the one who looks boneheaded trying to foist that stuff off on us. At least Nintendo had the stones to up and admit the 3DS when it leaked out a few months early.
I want all of those companies making tons of Wii shovelware to fess up and say “I’m sorry” for diluting the marketplace with inferior product. Not only are they serving up trash and calling it filet mignon, they’re also taking attention away from far more deserving games.
I’ll admit it — I want Nintendo to apologize for making us all use Friend Codes. Yeah, I know we don’t want kids to get solicited by perverts and such, but sometimes it seems like they picked the most convoluted way of avoiding this possibility, while at the same time handcuffing any possibility of a real online community.
I want the ESA to apologize for trying to destroy the real E3. Fortunately, they’ve already rectified the mistake, so they’re halfway there.
I want Microsoft to apologize for stealing 70 percent of the concepts for the Xbox from the Dreamcast. MS wormed its way into SEGA’s good graces, providing the Dreamcast online network, then blatantly swiped the controller concept and network setup for its own console.
I want all those Japanese RPG developers to apologize for all those games where the main character has “RPG Hero Syndrome,” meaning, he is mute. This was annoying in the 16-bit era, and it’s still happening, albeit not as often.
And finally, I should apologize to Tingle for saying such horrible things about him, true though they might be. No hard feelings, big guy.