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Charlie's Angels Package Art
  Neko Entertainment
  Ubi Soft

Charlie's Angels

There are some who believe that the world is going to end. From crazed astrologers to whacked out prophets, many believe that there is a significant pattern that will bring about the end of the world. So is the end truly nigh? Well, if there truly is going to be an apocalypse, then Charlie's Angels from Ubi Soft is easily the first sign of the coming of Armageddon. There's a large collection of tedious gameplay and horrible graphics in this title, and I'd be surprised if anyone could easily be entertained by it, no matter how large a fan of the Charlie's Angels name they really are.


We could easily start with how horrendous, dated, and terribly put together the visual stylings of this title are, but I'd like to share something with our readers. I have had sex with a piñata. I know that your mind has just exploded into a furious array of different questions, but I can tell you that after two bottles of tequila and several ultimate cheeseburgers from Jack in the Box, that candy filled goddess of sweets began to look mighty sexy.

In any case, Charlie's Angels is quite possibly one of the worst looking next generation titles you can set eyes on. Usually, licensed titles aren't a feast for the eyes, but this one takes the proverbial cake. The character models for the angels themselves look painfully un-sexy. It isn't that I expected them to look sexy, but it is sort of like watching a Canadian swimsuit contest. It tried excessively hard to be sexy, but really ended up being a drinking contest wherein you would take a shot every time you feel nauseated. The clipping is frightening, as parts of the terrain will flicker on and off while you fear for your life wondering if there will indeed be a dimensional time rift created through the game. Anything good? Well, the box art looks kind of schnazzy.


Forget about background music; you'll hardly hear anything worth mentioning, as most of it is your usual low production fare. There's nothing here that'll make your adrenaline pump and you'll phase most of it out by the time you've thrown your first or second punch. The Angels themselves, Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore, and Lucy Liu, do the voice acting. Other than that, other voices don't sound anything like their movie counterpart. It really sounds like someone kicked Charlie's speaker box and broke his nose because now he speaks in a really high-pitched, nasally, annoying tone. Other annoyances include Natalie's hit detection grunt. Every time she gets hit, it sounds as if some ferret-type creature crawled down her cleavage.


Charlie's Angels is another addition to the popular genre of beat-em-ups, only this addition is, like most, extremely unwanted. Players progress through the level using three base commands in order to fight their way through the onslaught of severely brain-damaged enemies in order to push a button or otherwise complete an objective that requires the player to push a button. Those three basic commands I mentioned previously are punch, kick, and dodge. Don't get me started on the advanced maneuvers! The combo system is basically a string of attacks, which require a pint-sized dose of button mashing. There is a grab command installed later in the game, but you'll hardly want to use it for fear of setting eyes on the horrific throw animations.

So, what is the base objective you ask? There really is no main objective in the main gameplay, but there is a rather silly plot about a madman stealing all of the world's monuments. That's about it. Other than that, your objective within the game is to beat people up, climb obscenely long ladders, push a few buttons, and fight laughably easy boss characters. Along the road, you begin to realize that your progress is futile and doesn't even merit a purpose.




Unfortunately, Ubi Soft has granted us one stinker in preparation for the amazingly good looking titles to come such as Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time, XIII, and Beyond Good and Evil. While Charlie's Angels is a horrifically terrible experience, at least it's extremely short. What seems like a decade of isolation and cruelty is more like two and a half hours. Who knows, maybe we'll see Sony Pictures blaming Ubi Soft for the poor box office sales of Full Throttle thanks to the painfully lackluster videogame. Hey, it worked for Paramount.

final score 2.0/10

Staff Avatar Austin Starr
Staff Profile | Email
"If life's not beautiful without the pain / well I'd just rather never ever even see beauty again"

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