QUOTE
	" If licensed games are going to remain horrible, why can't they at least base them on horrible properties? "

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Okay, so it's time to talk about games based on stuff. Why are they almost always bad anymore, or at least mediocre?

I can already puzzle out part of this. The reason movie, TV show, or comic-based games are often sub-par is simple: they have a built-in audience. Publishers know that there is a segment of the gaming world that is immediately going to rush out and buy a game based on the latest Iron Man movie, Pixar film or what have you. It's inevitable -- the name is what's selling the product.

Since there happens to be a large number of people that will automatically buy these particular games, many publishers don't feel the need to spend time and money on making it a particularly good game. This didn't used to be the case -- any of the NES Disney titles crafted by the Mega Man team proves the exception to the rule -- but by and large, licensed games tend to be less than adequate.

I'm not writing a diatribe here about how movie games are bad, though. Here's where I'm aiming: If licensed games are going to remain horrible, why can't they at least base them on horrible properties? At least then, we'd get a laugh of the whole ordeal.

Sledge Hammer!: This 1980's parody of tough-cop movies would be perfect for a Crackdown-style romp through LA, albeit with giant explosions and bombs instead of super-powers. In the pilot episode, Sledge Hammer takes out a building with a rocket launcher in order to stop a sniper. If that's not awesome, I don't know what is.

Captain Oatmeal: Champion of Breakfast: Captain Oatmeal entertained literally dozens of people during the early 1990s. Since he's made of oatmeal, he could easily be translated into a De Blob-style scenario, with Cap'n Oatmeal slithering through openings and over obstacles.

The 13th Floor: This one could be an adventure game focusing on a detective trying to solve a murder by going into a virtual reality, then another virtual reality within that virtual reality where the murder didn't happen but actually did. I'm confused now.

Titan A.E.: Oh, wait. There already was a horrible game based on this horrible movie. Never mind.

Darkstalkers the Cartoon: The Game: They made a Street Fighter: The Movie: The Game, so why not this? And I mean based on the horrible Canadian cartoon, not the presentable Japanese one. I want Pyron to be a neurotic wimp and Ana-Karis to be completely crazy and to have his frightening crush on Rikuo. Yeah, this was a bad cartoon.

Dino DeLaurentis' King Kong: The Game: The worst remake ever deserves to be the worst game ever. It doesn't even matter whether you play as Jeff Bridges or the incredibly cheesy Kong. Or both. As long as it's spectacularly horrible, that's all that matters.

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